#201
Ready... steady... GO!!!
Date: 09/01/2001
From: Schmoe_n_wurwolf
Okay, folks, we've got a truckload of Coors that needs protecting and you're going lead the way...oh wait, that's from Smokey and the Bandit.
It's time to start the second annual Wacky Race! At stake is the coveted Forrester Cup and the envy of your peers!! Rev up your engines...get your tricks ready...break out your weapons...and on my signal...unleash hell! Oh wait, that's from Gladiator. Sorry, Schmoe watches too many DVDs.
Yes, the Forrester Cup, the embodiment of the down and dirty spirit of the Wacky Races. It's yours for the taking!!
On your marks...
Get set...
Go!!!!
#202
Ortega revs up his motorcycle....
Date: 09/01/2001
From: ArmoredMickey
motorcycle: Vroom, vroom, vrrrrrrrrrr.......
Officer Ortega: Errrrnnnnn! Errrrrnnnnn! Er..........
Mickey (From inside the Big Misunderstood Sex Machine aka the armored car fom the beginning of Diabolik): Oh tis is going to be oodles of fun...
(to be continued)
#203
Damn this huge car!!
Date: 09/01/2001
From: Schmoe_Don_Baker
How did cops ever afford to fill up the tanks in these tanks?!
I'm gonna have to skip a few snacks if I'm to have enough gas money to win this race! But that Forrester Cup will be mine!
Mwahahahahahahahahaha...**BUUUURP**hahahahahahaha!!
#204
Well, it took all day, but I'm done.
Date: 09/01/2001
From: Lita_n_Spidey
Spidey is finally all repaired. And Evil Mike and I are ready to go! We shouldn't have any trouble with this race. Though I don't know how helpful Evil Mike will be, seeing as how he's such a pansy.
EM: Hey! Don't you call me a pansy, you dumb girl!
Lita: What did you just say to me?
EM: What, is all that space between your ears affecting your hearing?
Lita: Took the turtleneck off, I see. What's with the attitude. Why aren't you knitting or writing flowery poetry or something?
EM: Oh, that? It wore off, like, three hours ago.
Lita: So why didn't you come out and help me fix Spidey?
EM: Right! It's like 5 million degrees out here.
Lita: Well, let's get moving.
<Lita starts Spidey up, and they race ahead over the starting line.>
Lita: I'm glad you're better, EM. I wouldn't have wanted to put you down.
EM: Hunh.
Lita: Let's get some music in here.
<Lita pulls open the glove compartment and a whole bunch of Yanni and John Tesh albums spill out onto Evil Mike's lap>
Lita: Ugh! Mike! You moron! We'll have to content ourselves with the sounds of the other racers cursing at us as we pass them by. You'd better buckle up.
EM: Whatever! I'm a rebel, Lita, I'm a--
<Lita floors the gas pedal and Spidey lurches forward so fast that EM falls into the back seat. Spidey speeds ahead of all the other racers, giving Lita an early lead.>
VVVVRRRRROOOOOOOOOOOOOOOMMMMMM!!!!!!!!!
Lita
President of the I Hate Riddler Club
Vice-Prez of the I Hate Hamburglar Club
#205
Yay!!!!!!!
Date: 09/01/2001
From: Gramps_Prune_Buggy
Here we go!!!! <gramps speeds off the starting line, leaving little puddles of Wimpy Juice behind him from the exhaust pipe>
Tee-hee! That should turn them into a bunch of heroin addicted, phone sex calling, crappy dancing, day dreaming, Buggle loving 80s dorks for a while! Tee-hee-hee-hee-hee!!!
<Dixie roars from the horn>
magrandpa?
grandmapa!, sch.
The Elderly Gender-Bender!
11:20 P.M. CST!
(I changed my name to not infringe on Rimseys)
#206
I'm not a dork! You're a dork, you feeb!
Date: 09/01/2001
From: Schmoe_Don_Baker
Hmmph!!
I thought I was through with my dorking days! But everytime I think I'm out, they pull me back in!! (Godfather out in DVD this October!!)
I'm gonna use a play from cowbear's handbook!
/a throws empty beer cans at Lita and Grampy and the other racers!
Take that! Thwack! Thwack! Wooohooo!!
#207
I hope I don't break a nail!
Date: 09/01/2001
From: AngelsVanODeath
Wheee! I'm all set in my armored tank with matching curtains. I spent all night working on them!
And for any of you guys racing out there, I'll give you the promise of sex with no strings attached, only to lick your ears and drive off laughing! Fun!
Whoopsie! Dropped a nail file in the road! I hope nobody runs over it and punctures a tire. *tee hee*
Look out, Grampy, I'm coming up on your rear! Eww, and it's all stained with prunes!
wurwolf
Bonhead #3
fs!!
#208
Yummy prunes!
Date: 09/01/2001
From: Schmoe_Don_Baker
Wish I packed some breakfast cereals too! Poopie, next time I definitely will.
I guess now we know why grampy is such a down to earth, easy going, regular guy. *snick*
/a throws a box of Depends at gramps!!
Thwuump!! Whoohoo!
#209
Stupid beer cans!!!!!
Date: 09/01/2001
From: Gramps_Prune_Buggy
Ow! That one hurt! But, hey! There's some beer in it!
Schmoe, you gonna be da worm face! <tosses moonshine jug at truck>
Score! And I don't mean wolfie's offer, either! But wait, she's gaining on me! Fire Hobgoblin!
<Hobgoblin launches out of trunk and enters into THE VAN OF DEATH!!! (dum dum DUM!)> I just know wolfie can't go without a perverted fantasy during this week!
Whee!!!! I'm a happy little school girl!
grandmapa!
11:50 P.M. CST!
#210
Oh, Schmoe_Don.....
Date: 09/01/2001
From: AngelsVanODeath
My, aren't you a big, handsome fellow. I'm just dying to show my um.... *assets* to someone. If you're interested, I happen to have a bottle of baby oil, some grass, and a six pack of beer here in my van.... wanna party?
I hear you do a trick where you pick things up with your toes.... wanna try to pick me up?
Smoochies!
#211
Stupid Depends!
Date: 09/01/2001
From: Gramps_Prune_Buggy
I wear ASSurance! Snicker, snicker! <spits tabbacky on truck>
grandmapa!
11:52 P.M. CST!
#212
Hey, what's this hobgoblin doing here?
Date: 09/01/2001
From: AngelsVanODeath
Is that why I was suddenly coming on to Schmoe_Don_Baker?! Ewwww, I wouldn't sleep with him if he was the last sleezy cop on earth! Gross!
Grampy, I'm gonna nail you for this! Literally!
<throws all her nail files out of the van and watches Grampy ride over them>
That oughta puncture a tire or two!
#213
You git, you siren you!
Date: 09/01/2001
From: Schmoe_Don_Baker
Sorry, little missy, I'm on duty right now. You quit with the being seductive and stuff, please!!
Hmmph!!
Vrroooooooom!!!
Besides, it's time for a mid-race pit stop at the next Arby's I pass. Mmmmm....roast beef sammiches!
#214
Whoohoo!!!
Date: 09/01/2001
From: AngelsVanODeath
I did the preemptive strike! You didn't dump me, I dumped you! YEAH!!!
While you're stuffing your face, why don't you eat my dust too!
#215
/a throws a box of baby wipes at Gramps.
Date: 09/01/2001
From: Schmoe_Don_Baker
Don't forget these!
Ka-thump!! Vroooooooom!!
#216
I haven't forgotten about you, Lita!!
Date: 09/01/2001
From: Schmoe_Don_Baker
/a rolls up a newspaper and throws it at Spidey!
Wack! Wack! Take that! And one to grow on!
Here's the sports pages! Thwack! And the personals! Thwack!
#217
Shoot! And these are Firestone tires!
Date: 09/01/2001
From: Gramps_Prune_Buggy
<gramps swerves out of control, flinging prunes and rubber onto windshields>
Now what am I going to do about the tire? Aw, who cares!
<gramps runs back on the road, metal sparks grinding up from the asphalt and melting Schmoe and wolfie's tires>
I hope my Hobgoblin is ready at Arby's...
grandmapa!
12:10 P.M. CST!
#218
And boy, am I glad...
Date: 09/01/2001
From: Gramps_Prune_Buggy
that I put Ex-Lax in Spidey's and Schmoe's food! <throws wipes at both while playing Dixie>
grandmapa!
12:14 A.M. CST!
#219
Haha! Lucky for me...
Date: 09/01/2001
From: Schmoe_Don_Baker
there was a Roy Rogers at the next exit! Your silly little trap at Arby's is all for naught! Whoohoo! Thank you, Trigger!
Yummy...Trigger Burgers!
#220
Ew, prunes & rubber? Gross!
Date: 09/01/2001
From: AngelsVanODeath
Hey Grampy, when's soup? Did Marie die last year? If you're good I'll give you Jello!
Go to bed, old man!
#221
Never!!!!
Date: 09/01/2001
From: Gramps_Prune_Buggy
Right before the race, I went out to Wal-Mart, bought a whole lot of cough syrup and coffee, mixed them, and invented cough-fee! The ultimate surge! And I'm feeling greeeeeeeeaaaaaaaaaaaaat!!!!!!!
And now for that smart remark toward the "old man"! Eat this, punk! <waves magical walker and elderly people are crammed into Van O'Death>
Schmoe and Spidey will be squirting any minute now!
Fun, fun, funny, fun!!!!
grandmapa!
12:28 A.M. CST!
#222
Oh no! Not the Cannonball Runs!!
Date: 09/01/2001
From: Schmoe_Don_Baker
Damn you, grampy!! Damn you to hell!
I need a pit stop and a shower. Back at it in the morning! Later, kids!!
Vrooooooooooom!!
#223
I'm pulling over for the night.
Date: 09/01/2001
From: Gramps_Prune_Buggy
I'll be back at it in the morning. Goodnight!
grandmapa!
12:49 A.M. CST!
#224
Bwa ha ha! Movin' right along!
Date: 09/01/2001
From: Lita_n_Spidey
Nothing can stop us now!
<Suddenly, there is a loud rumbling from within Spidey, and Evil Mike is sucked out the back. He is immediatly hit in the face by one of Schmoe's newspapers, and rolls into a nearby ditch.>
Evil Mike! I told you to buckle up! See what happens? Oh Hell! Now I have to pull over and look for him. I'll get you for this, gramps! You withered old mummy!
<Lita pulls over and parks. She grabs a flashlight and climbs out of Spidey. She looks around for a bit.>
Miiiiike! Mike! Miiiiike! Mike!
Ugh... That's a pretty big mess Spidey left back there on the road. I guess the other racers can have fun driving through that.
Where's Mike? Aww... it'll probably take all night for me to find him. Not to mention for Spidey's tummy to settle.
Aw... Poopie.
Lita
#225
Rimmi Storms Ahead!!!!111!!!
Date: 09/01/2001
From: RimseysDeadlyBeeCar
Rimmi has a late start due to severe thunderstorms (@#%%*^#@!) but she's ready now! I have the cigarette hag as a copilot and her little dog too!
Angel's van doesn't scare me one bit. I'm on to her tricks and her jiggling. I remember a time when I was a member of her troop. Wurwolf said she liked my ass and only kept me around for that. My skill with the sword for causing genital mutilation was an artform! But then she was jealous of of my ass and told everyone my jiggling wasn't up to standards. She said I was, in fact, flat chested and I stuffed!
Well stuff this! <Rimmi dumps an ash tray down Wurwolf's stunt meat grinder and the smoldering ashes cause a fire in the Angel van!>
(Where's Cavey? I miss her. She rode Pumaman! LOL! She rode him good and hard! Well if she sees this message she should get herself right on over here!)
#226
By Odin's Beard!
Date: 09/01/2001
From: BloodFairy
I'll take the converted Viking boat, if it's unspoken for yet.(I read all the posts, but might've spaced)Great idea on the new race!Now, where to find some fresh vikings...
BloodFairy
"Thor Built my Hot-rod"
#227
Damn Ortega.
Date: 09/01/2001
From: ArmoredMickey
Mickey: Hello, everybody. Remember me? It seems Ortega got me lost last night and we ended up at a screening of the Full House 3D Reunion Movie.
Officer Ortega: Ernnnnnnn!
Mickey: Ortega likes the middle kid. Anyway, while you were sleeping, me, teggy, and the Big Misunderstood Sex Machine aka the armored car from the beginning of Diabolik have been crawling back into the race. Eating and sleeping, who needs it?
Officer Ortega: Errrnnnnn...
(to be continued)
#228
I'm switching vehicles.
Date: 09/01/2001
From: Skreaming_Warlock
The roller coaster is making me nauseas. I need something slower. I'll take the Lady Elaine Fairchild float from Final Justice.
<Skreaming Warlock tosses cheeseburgers at Schmoe Don Baker.>
How do you like that! I've given you greasy food and I've stolen all the milk so hopefully your increasing heartburn will make you spontaneously combust!
#229
I'm here for some extreme hacking!!
Date: 09/01/2001
From: Cavewoman
Ooo, that sounded gross. Speaking of gross..yes I did ride Pumaman hard last year...harder than any one man can take. So this year he's my wet noodle companion in the sidehacker.
If I have to I can bring him out with deading force!! All your jiggling...or evil bees and the rest, can't stop me and my Super Hacking!!!
Cavewoman and Pumaman!!
#230
Whoo Hoo, and I'm off!!!
Date: 09/01/2001
From: Caveys_sidehacker
No Pumaman is not off, he can't take anymore lovin', but he is beside me. Hee Hee!!
Cavewoman and Pumaman
#231
Cavey: Blah! <nt>
Date: 09/01/2001
From: wurwolf
*giggle!*
#232
Damn you, Rimmi! <shakes fist in air>
Date: 09/01/2001
From: AngelsVanODeath
You'll pay for this! I will ALWAYS wave my finger in your face! I'm voting you out of the race!
Hey Cavey, maybe Pumaman's just tired of your stuff. Maybe he wants some Angel fun bags! It's Whip 'em Out Wednesday, four days early! Get a load of these, Pumaman!
<lifts up her shirt and jiggles>
Whoohoo!!! I'm taking the lead now, and all I have to do is show a little skin! Yeah!! Lucky for me, men are hypnotized by these things!
<peels out>
BYE!!!
#233
Oh, and here's my Halloween handle. <nt>
Date: 09/01/2001
From: Frank_Sinatras_Ghost
fs!!
#234
Here's my Thanksgiving handle. <nt>
Date: 09/01/2001
From: Wur_Wolfer_Raleigh
fs!!
#235
Here's my Christmas handle. <nt>
Date: 09/01/2001
From: wurw_elf
fs!!
#236
ZZZzzz... snore... snort... huh... wha?!
Date: 09/01/2001
From: Schmoe_Don_Baker
I mean I was wide awake!!
Well, back at it!!
But first I'm gonna need to have some breakfast. And some brunch.
/a drives off leaving a trail of burger wrappers and beer cans on the road! Take that, you jive turkeys!!
#237
And here's my Valentine handle. <nt>
Date: 09/01/2001
From: AphroWolfie
Took me long enough to find it!
fs!!
#238
/a laughs and laughs at Cave and Pumaman
Date: 09/01/2001
From: Schmoe_Don_Baker
Haha! PumaMan has to drag his butt on the road whenever they have to make turns!! Good thing he's wearing extra tuff Hagar slacks.
/a leaves a trail of orange peels on the road!! Eat citrus, you dinks!!!
#239
Angelwulf, your van is still on fire.
Date: 09/01/2001
From: RimseysDeadlyBeeCar
Your so silly the way you jiggle at passers by instead of putting your van fire out. Heh heh heh... You make me LAUGH!
I'll be taking the lead as your van smolders into ashes.
#240
Oh, I forgot, "BLAH!"
Date: 09/01/2001
From: RimseysDeadlyBeeCar
There wurwolf. I ruined your life. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!! I set out to destroy you with a single Blah! Did it work? Be honest. Tell me how much pain and anguish you've recieved from the BLAH! <Rimmi takes out her notepad> I hope you don't mind if I take notes as the effects of the BLAH take over and crush you. Have you lost all self esteem yet? How would you rate your feeling of self worth, 1-10, 1 meaning your life is ruined.
#241
<wakes up and has BIG cup of cough-fee>
Date: 09/01/2001
From: Gramps_Prune_Buggy
Ahhh!!! Yeow! Watch me get fonkay! <floors the accelerator, just to realize he can't see out of the windshield due to the burger wrappers and beer cans stuck to Spidey's poo>
Well, it's time for the Hobgoblins to eat anyway...
<with the windshield clean, but covered in rabid Hobgoblin foam and hair, gramps is running up behind the other racers>
Take this, Rimsey! <throws cigarettes and Dog's Meat into Rimmer's lap as she is driving, which the Old Hag starts feebly beating her for>
Heh, take that! Oh, and look at Miss Cavey, still acting like hot stuff after all those years! And just because she rode Pumaman, which is considered politically incorrect in my day! I'll show her! <trunk pops open and a big, naked Boss Hogg jumps on top of Cavey>
She'll be in a wheelchair for quite a while after that! Well, what else can I do to wolfie, seeing as her van is on fire and full of elderly people, that Dick Clark hater! Well, I'll get a little footage...
<gramps takes a video of wolfie whipping them out, while Schmoe is heard whistling and cheering, "That's what Daddy likes!" from his vehicle>
Internet!!!
grandmapa!
11:33 A.M. CST!
#242
Miiiiiike! Mike! Miiiiiiiike! Mike!
Date: 09/01/2001
From: Lita_n_Spidey
<Lita is searching by the side of the road for her lost sidekick. She trips over him in some underbrush.>
Lita: Oh. There you are. Took me all night to find you. Evil Mike? Why are you crying? I didn't trip over you that hard.
EM: <Trying to talk through tear-filled gasps> It's... that... Rimmer... chick....! She's such a bitch! Waaaahhaaaaahhhaaaaaa!!!!!
Lita: What'd she do to you? I'll punch her really hard!
EM: She... *hic* she... *hic* she... *hic*
Lita: What?
EM: SHE SAID "BLAH" AT ME!!!!! WAAAAAAAAHHHHHH!!!!!!!!
Lita: So you're sitting here and crying?
EM: Lita! *choke* You don't know... *sniff* how absolutely terrible it is to be said blah at by somebody with such a nice ass! It... makes... you... feel... worthless!!!! Waaaaaaaahhhhhh!!!!!
Lita: EM, she wasn't even talking to you, you moron.
EM: *sniff* She wasn't?
Lita: No. She was talking to the Angel's van. Weren't you even paying attention?
EM: I was just about to climb out of the ditch, when she drove by with her head out the window yelling "Blah". I just assumed she was yelling it at me.
Lita: And you shouldn't even be looking at her ass! You're only allowed to look at my ass, bukko! Now get back into Spidey. He should be all recovered by now. Wurwolf, at least, should be easy to pass. She'll be lying on her floor, surrounded by the elderly, crying too hard to put out that van fire. Let's go.
<Lita, Spidey, and Evil Mike are back on the road. Lita makes sure to throw a spider-filled coconut through the window of the diner Schmoe-Don is eating in as she passes it. She has no trouble passing the Angel Van, which seems to be having some trouble. Before long, she's right on Rimmy's tail.>
Lita: I'll get you for making my henchman cry!!!!
Lita
#243
{Jumps in his van}
Date: 09/01/2001
From: B_O_G_Laserblast_Van
Cripes! I am far behind!
{B.O.G. floors it causing Lucinda & Bobo to fly into the back of the van.}
O.K. I'm caught up with the other racers.
{B.O.G. pulls out his laserblaster & starts shoting it at the other vehicles}
POW! POW! POW!
#244
Oh Lita...
Date: 09/01/2001
From: Gramps_Prune_Buggy
You forgot about me, and I'm in my pretty gorgeous battle dress and the car you gave me! Watch out, 'cause here comes a big 'un! <grampy's trunk pops open, Garfield jumps out and starts whacking Spidey with a giant newspaper>
Tee-hee! And Evil Mike loves Schmoe! Ewww, cooties!!!
And here's one for you, Mickey-icky! I just hope Ortega can go without a cigar, or there's gonna be trouble!
Yowza!!!! <Dixie blares>
grandmapa!
11:54 A.M. CST!
#245
Evil Mike? Do you love Schmoe?
Date: 09/01/2001
From: Lita_n_Spidey
EM: Gramps is lying, I swear. Schmoe smells funny.
Lita: Well, we gotta slow gramps down. He's getting too uppity. I think we can trip him up.
<Lita pulls Spidey to a halt in the middle of the road. Spidey sticks out a leg, and gramps runs into it, and flips his car right into the path of one of BOG's laserblasts.>
Lita: Ha ha ha! It'll take him a while to get over that! Let's go!
<Spidey zips ahead, dodging laserblasts all the way.>
Lita
#246
Here come the life altering BLAH's!
Date: 09/01/2001
From: RimseysDeadlyBeeCar
Grandmapa, you get a Blah!
<Rimmi fights the cigarette hag off and lets her have the cigarettes. She throws the dog food out and the dog goes after it.... and the mushy meaty robust stew flavored food hits Lita. The dog jumps on her and begins biting vicously.>
Lita, you and Mike get huge BLAH
And B.O.G., I'll spare you the BLAH and ask if you want to form an alliance. I'll give you your pink undies back if you watch my back. You may watch my backside all you want but you can't let anything happen to it. Do we have a deal?
#247
No way!
Date: 09/01/2001
From: B_O_G_Laserblast_Van
Bobo, Lucinda & I are in this to win! POW! POW!
#248
YEEOOOUCCCH!
Date: 09/01/2001
From: Lita_n_Spidey
<Lita tosses some Beggin' Strips into the back seat, and the dog jumps back there and starts chowing down. Lita takes this opportunity to wipe the dogfood off herself and shake her head at Evil Mike, who is curled up on the seat, crying again.>
Lita: It's just a Blah, Mike! Don't take it so personally!
EM: How... how... how can you *sob* stay so c-c-calm?
Lita: I realize that anybody who doesn't want to be friends with me isn't worth being friends with. You shouldn't be so upset just because she said Blah at you. I mean, geez.
EM: B-but... She s-said Blah at you too, Lita.
Lita: She... she did?
EM: Yes.
Lita: AAAAAAAAAAGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
<Lita's fragile self-esteem is shattered. She is so upset, she has trouble controlling Spidey, who lurches into BOG, knocking him sideways. (Lita: oops!) Suddenly, Lita's really angry.>
Lita: <through tears> I'll get you for this Rimmer! *sob* N-nobody says Blah at ME! I am too a worthwhile human being! Waaahhh!
<Spidey runs forward really fast and jumps on top of Rimmey's car. Spidey covers her windshield with his two front legs so she can't see out. He uses his other legs to block the doors and windows shut and hold on.>
Lita: Take it back, Rimmer! TAKE IT BACK TAKE IT BACK TAKE IT BACK!!! *wail* I never said Blah to you! I'm not that mean! Spidey won't let go until you take it back and say you're sorry to Evil Mike, and me, and that you won't do it again! And you have to mean it, or else you can't have your ratty dog back either!
<Lita and EM can hear Mrs. Hargrove screech angrily at Rimmer from inside the Bee car.>
EM: I think the doggy likes me!
Lita: So there!
Lita
#249
Cripes! Lita_n_Spidey knocked down....
Date: 09/01/2001
From: B_O_G_Laserblast_Van
...my van. Bobo, help me put this van right side up.
Bobo: "What about my tickbath?"
#250
Oh BOG! :-(
Date: 09/01/2001
From: RimseysDeadlyBeeCar
I wanted a partner. Oh well. You can take your undies back anyway.
And Lita, HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!! I will not take it back! BLAH is the worst four letter word I know. It's been known to crush and destroy and I will use it as much as I want to!
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!
BLAH!!!!!!!
#251
Check out my anti-BLAH device!
Date: 09/01/2001
From: AngelsVanODeath
Okay, so it's just a tape that says "I'm rubber, you're glue, whatever you say bounces off me and sticks to you", coming out of a loudspeaker on the top of my van. But it works! I had Elaine, the frizzy-haired weapons specialist, hook it up for me. Lucky for me she was an AV geek in high school! //thumb
And thanks for the elderly, Grampy, because I enlisted them to help put the fire out! Fortunately, the ashes only singed the curtains before Herb here put the fire out with his Ensure. Boy, does that stuff douse the flames! They oughta say that in the marketing materials.
The only problem is, I've got like twenty old farts here in the van, complaining and knitting and watching tv, so I've gotta start shoving them out the back of the van. They're slowing me down! Watch out for falling elderly in the road!
Thelma, you're the first to go! Quit telling me I'm a hussy, you dried up old prune!
Look out below! >>>>shove>>>>
MWAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!! I'm hot *and* evil! :oD
#252
<back on the road after flipping over>
Date: 09/01/2001
From: Gramps_Prune_Buggy
Well, am I glad that those prunes were so slick that the car flipped back over with ease! And now, Little Miss Toaster Strudel eater and her lovestruck cohort are in for it! Have some gross fantasies, won't you?
Now for B_O_G, I think I'll send someone to teach them a lesson... <gramps waves the magical walker to make Steffi the babysitter appear in the van>
NO! CHEW!!! Mwahahahahahahahahahaha!!! I'm so eeeeeevil! And to Rimmer: BLECH!!!
grandmapa!
1:04 P.M. CST!
#253
No! Thelma!!!
Date: 09/01/2001
From: Gramps_Prune_Buggy
You gonna get it, young'un! <gramps throws the Whippin' Out tape into the TV/VCR the old people are watching and throws Bingo chips into wolfie's eyes>
Viagra and Bingo! The most loved things of the older generation, and in that order! Let's see how much you like turned on, gambling old people shouting, "Bingo!" for two reasons!
<BUMP> No! There went Jeramiah!!! We used to talk about the Depression, and Nixon, and Marylin Monroe! WHAAAAAAAA!!!! <cries profusely>
grandmapa!
1:15 P.M. CST!
#254
Fine then Rimmer!
Date: 09/01/2001
From: Lita_n_Spidey
You can just carry me, and Spidey, and Evil Mike, and the dog, and this furry grinning thing that I don't know what it is across the finish line yourself! We're not getting off your car until.... Evil Mike, why do you have your hand on my thigh? Hey, I didn't tell you to take it off!
<I don't feel it's necessary to go into details about exactly what happens next. It's none of your business. It's none of Rimmer's business either, but she's the one who wouldn't take back the "Blahs", and Spidey isn't getting off her car until she does. (Actually, Spidey suddenly seems *really* fond of her car.) I guess she'll just have to cover her ears and hum or something.>
EM, tell me that story about the naughty zookeeper again...
Lita
#255
"No chew!" *Smack!* "No chew!"
Date: 09/01/2001
From: B_O_G_Laserblast_Van
{B_O_G drives his van while Steffi the baby sitter smacks Bobo with a torn up shoe. However, B_O_G can't take his eyes off of the lovely Steffi so he winds up crashing his van in a telephone pole.}
#256
oh please, there's only one woman for me
Date: 09/01/2001
From: Schmoe_Don_Baker
Sara Lee and Betty Crocker. Okay, that's two. Three if you count Aunt Jemima. And six if you count Snap, Crackle, and Pop.
Anyways!!
/a throws FTD bouquets at the other racers!!
Eat flaming colorful and sweetly scented death!!!11 Mwahahahahahahaha!!!
#257
Candy-gram for Lita. Candy-gram for Lita
Date: 09/01/2001
From: Schmoe_Don_Baker
*knock knock*
Me Lita...
KA-BOOM!!!!!
Whoohoo! That trick always works!!
#258
<BOOM!!!111!!!>
Date: 09/01/2001
From: RimseysDeadlyBeeCar
Thanks Schmoe. Now I have Spidey guts all over my car. Ewwww!!!
#259
<Lita and EM look around>
Date: 09/01/2001
From: Carmelita9000
<They are both sitting on top of Rimmer's car. There are Spidey parts all over the place. The Hobgoblin was blown up too. The dog is sniffing at Schmoe's car, looking to make a pit-stop.>
Lita: Uh…. Mike, give me your shirt. I seem to be suffering from a severe case of nudity.
EM: Put on your own shirt!
Lita: I can't find it! Oh, never mind! Fix Spidey, and let me know when you're done.
<Lita slides into Rimmer's car, through the window.>
Lita: Hi!
Rimmer: Aack! You're nude!
Lita: Yeah, that's why I'm in here. To get away from the prying eyes of the perverts out on the street. It's just like Schmoe to horn in on other people's private moments. Oh, and while I'm here... <Lita puts Rimmer in a headlock> Take back that Blah! Take it back! Take it back! Take it back! Oh, and let me borrow a shirt or something, will you?
Lita
#260
{Meanwhile back with B_O_G}
Date: 09/01/2001
From: B_O_G_Laserblast_Van
{B_O_G, & Bobo finish banging out the dents in the front of the Laserblst van. While they were working Lucinda chased Steffi with her pitchfork.}
#261
TOMATOES FOR SALE!!!!
Date: 09/01/2001
From: ArmoredMickey
Mickey: That's right everybody, the brightest, juiciest tomatoes you've ever seen in your entire life, and there only 1 dollar each.
(Everybody gathers around while the silly-string covered Officer Ortega starts carrying boxes out of the back of the Big Misunderstood Sex Machine aka the armored car from the beginning of Diabolik)
Mickey: They're my own special blend.
(Evil Mike attempts to hand Mickey a fifty)
Mickey: Oh no. I remember that fifty. (Sees Lita) But fortunatly, we're running a special. Free tomatoes for everybody showing their tomatoes.
Ortega: Ernnnnn! (Starts taking off his shirt)
Mickey: (whispers) Ortega, no! Remember, these are my "special blend". We'll stop at a produce store later.
(As soon as everybody gets their tomatoes, Mickey jumps into the Big Misunderstood Sex Machine aka the armored car from the beginning of Diabolik and speeds off. Ortega jumps on his motorcycle and makes a pathetic attempt to catch up. Mickey backs up to let Ortega catch up.)
(to be continued)
#262
Thanks for the tomatoes!
Date: 09/01/2001
From: B_O_G_Laserblast_Van
{B_O_G, Bobo, Steffi & Lucinda load the tomatoes in the back of the van}
#263
This will foil all of you
Date: 09/01/2001
From: Blah_No_Text
Blah No Text is here and ready to ruin your lives and send you into months of psychotic spasms. You will not win this race, for it is I, who is well versed in psycho-babble double think that shall rule the day! It's all in the archives for anyone to see.
I shall crush you with my eloquence and charming good looks.
I shall crush you with my super tank and win!
#264
Battle of the Network Vans!
Date: 09/01/2001
From: AngelsVanODeath
<guns the motor and catches up to BOG in the Laserblast van>
Hey loser, I'm gonna run you off the road!
Yay, I just lost another one of my old people! Looks like he has a creepy attraction to Lucinda -- boss awesome! See you later, Melvin! Have fun in the Laserblast van! Yippeee!!!
You're going down, BOG!!!
#265
Um... Lita is nude and she has me in a
Date: 09/01/2001
From: RimseysDeadlyBeeCar
headlock. Never in a million years would I have.... er....
Mrs. Hargrove, be a dear and give Lita something to wear before she chokes me to death.
<Mrs. H gives Lita a red cardigan and a big oil rag.>
It's the best i can do now stop being nude. Wrap the oil rag around you like a wrap skirt. Tell everyone it's from Paris. It's the new fashion. I'm sorry there's nothing I can do about Mike. He'll have to stay nude. That's a shame.
<Rimmi takes in the view for the moment.>
Now, about the BLAH incident. <Lita settles back to hear Rimmi's terms and Rimmi pushes the eject button sending Lita and a very nude Mike flying into the air.>
Oh dear, she seems to be headed for grandmapa. Oh well. Try to take my dog will she!!!!
#266
{B_O_G crashes into another tree}
Date: 09/01/2001
From: B_O_G_Laserblast_Van
NO! I've been forced of the road by the AngelsVanODeath & to make things worse Lucinda has the hots for this Melvin guy making her totaly useless! THAT'S IT!!! Time to bring out my secret weapon!
ORANGE ALERT!!!!! ORANGE ALERT!!!!
{B_O_G & Bobo open up the van's rear door and let out ROVER, the killer weather balloon from "The Prisoner" & it attacks the AngelsVanODeath!}
#267
Velkommen! I'm on my way.
Date: 09/01/2001
From: Yalu
I'm here on the Del-Aires tour bus with Ronnie, Eddie, Wil and Gary. It's such a well equipped bus and the boys have revamped their looks. They look less like a Barber Shop Quartet and have gotten with the times. I'll grant you, they look like a boy band but it's better than how they did look.
First order of business, destroy everyone else.
<Gary gets on top of the bus and sets up the speakers. Then music starts blasting out at the other racers. The words are mostly inaudible except for "Wiggle Wiggle Wobble Wobble." The music is hideous but it seems to have a strange power people to make them stop racing and dance badly.>
#268
<shows her tomatoes>
Date: 09/01/2001
From: AngelsVanODeath
Thanks, Mickey! I have a special tomatoe throwing device hooked up, but one of my bitches forgot to bring the tomatoes <gives Michelle a dirty look>. Now, I can do it! Yay!!!
<starts pelting Lita with rotten tomatoes> I'm not trying to hit Evil Mike because he's sexy and naked! Whoohoo!!!! <leers at Evil Mike>
Schmoe Don, if I started throwing tomatoes at you, you'd just catch them all and eat them!
#269
I'm dancing and I can't stop!
Date: 09/01/2001
From: AngelsVanODeath
Somebody help me, it's like I'm under a spell or something! This music sucks but it's got a beat that just won't quit!
<pulls over, jumps out of the van and boogies on the side of the road like there's no tomorrow>
Whoohoo!!!
#270
I'd rather "dance" to the Del-Aires.....
Date: 09/01/2001
From: B_O_G_Laserblast_Van
....than try to dance to the haunting Torgo theme!
#271
Three years of jazz tap FINALLY pays off
Date: 09/01/2001
From: Schmoe_Don_Baker
Whoohoo!!
Tap tap tappity tap!! Thanks, Yalu!
Wheeee! Lookit me, I'm just like Christopher Walken! I believe I can fly!
#272
<Lita and EM crash through the roof>
Date: 09/01/2001
From: Gramps_Prune_Buggy
gramps: Ack! What are you doing here?!
Lita: Stupid Schmoe <sniff> explodeded Spidey, and we were <tear> nude because of your critter, <sobs> and we landed in Rimmer's car, and SHE THREW US OUT!!! WAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!
EM: <flooding> And she Blah-ed us <sniff> and wouldn't apologize!!! WAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!
gramps: First of all, EM, put on some prunes, please, because pretty soon wolfie's going to be crashing through the window, trying to impress you with her tomatoes! Second of all, fine, you can both ride with me until you get a new vehicle.
Lita: <looks up> Why, though? <sniff>
gramps: Because you're my friend!
EM: <looks up> <snort> That doesn't make any sense! You attacked us!
gramps: Oh fine! I want a tax deduction for volunteering to the needs of the needy! But anyway, you can help me get back at wolfie and Schmoe for hating the elderly!
Lita: Awww, gramps! You are so money hungry and deceitful!
<forced laughter comes from the car>
grandmapa!
4:05 P.M. CST!
#273
<Lita and EM land...>
Date: 09/01/2001
From: Carmelita9000
...on the hood of gramps' car. Gramps is so surprised, he hits the breaks. Evil Mike, being nude, has no traction and slides off, but Lita has a firm hold on the rear view mirror.>
Lita: Mike! I told you to go fix Spidey! Hurry up, we're getting behind!
EM: Hey, speaking of behinds, I don't want to be working out there all nekkid.
Lita: Weenie. <She reaches into the car and grabs the flowery sun-hat that gramps was wearing to keep from getting sunburned.> Here, cover yourself with this. Maybe one of the racers will throw you some pants or something.
<As Evil Mike wanders off to round up Spidey parts, Lita gets into the passenger seat of the prune car.>
Lita: Hi, gramps. We're just going to wait here until Evil Mike fixes my ride. M'kay? Glad you don't mind. Theenks.
Lita
#274
Damn. Maybe not.
Date: 09/01/2001
From: Carmelita9000
Oh well, it doesn't matter. Thanks for the help, gramps, but we're still not moving until Spidey is fixed.
<Lita plants her foot on grandmapa's brake, and yells out the window to EM.>
MOVE YOUR ASS EVIL MIKE!!! AND YOU'D BETTER NOT BE GIVING ME THE GESTURE I THINK YOU'RE GIVING ME!!!
I really appreciate this, gramps. Thanks.
Lita
#275
LOL! Mike begins dance very nudely.
Date: 09/01/2001
From: Yalu
Evil Mike picks up the Spidey parts but finds himself dancing in a very nude way to the tunes fromt he Del-Aires bus.
Yalu sneaks a peak as they pass by him, Lita, grandmapa, Schmoe, wurwolf, everyone dancing. Now to take care of Rimmer!
<Ronnie steps out on the bus roof and is holding a drum stick with a sharpened end. He harpoons one of her wheels.>
Take that!
#276
Mickey: Um, Ortega?
Date: 09/01/2001
From: ArmoredMickey
Why aren't the tomatoes eating people? And why are you doing the twist?
Officer Ortega: Ernnnnn1 Errrrrrrrnnnnnn! Errrrrrrnnnnnn! Errrnnnn?
Mickey: Well that makes sense....WHAT?
Officer Ortega: Errrnnnn! Errrrrnnnnn?
Mickey: Earplugs. You forgot to add the chemical Z, you idiot! (Tastes tomato) This is Chemical Q, the Pop Tart stuff!
Officer Ortega: Errrrnnnn!
Mickey: There's plenty of difference! And don't you talk back to me like that. Now instead of them being devoured, they won't catch on fire! Well, there goes my backup plan with the flamethrower. Now, get back in the Big Misunderstood Sex Machine aka the armored car from the beginning of Diabolik!
Officer Ortega: Errrrnnnn!!!
Mickey: I don't care if you're getting in the zone, get back here!
(to be continued)
#277
Wooohoooo!
Date: 09/01/2001
From: Gramps_Prune_Buggy
Gotta love them Del-Aires! <starts doing the Twist, but gramps accidently trips and falls on top of the steering wheel; Dixie blares>
Yalu: NO!!! SOUTHERN ROCK!!! I'm ruined!!! Play louder, now... Man, do I feel like some chili...
<everyone except gramps starts square dancing and saying things like, "How-day!" and , "How'boutsomemashedpotaters?">
gramps: Yee-haw!!! Now it be a fine time for me to skidaddle! Little Miss Liter, you gonna have to move on along now! <pushes Lita out of car, but she starts square dancing immediately before any objection>
gramps: See all y'all later, here! VROOOOOOOOOOOM!!!!!!
I'm winning! I'm winning!
grandmapa!
4:37 P.M. CST!
#278
EM, I know you've been dancing and stuff
Date: 09/01/2001
From: Carmelita9000
Lita: ...But are you about done?
EM: Done?
Lita: Fixing Spidey.
EM: Oh. Yeah. Turns out, he wasn't even that broken. The bomb just blew his door open, and we fell out as he kind of scurried away.
Lita: So what have you been doing all this time?
EM: Shaking my money maker! Woo! It's so freeing to dance nude in public!
Lita: And if all these car parts don't belong to Spidey, who do they belong to?
EM: Hell if I know. Just as long as they don't belong to Spidey, right?
Lita: I guess.
EM: C'mon, quit yer jabbering, and swing your partner!
<Lita and Evil Mike start square dancing as Spidey emerges from behind a nearby tree.>
Lita: Yeee haw!
#279
<Spidey emerges from behind the tree>
Date: 09/01/2001
From: Lita_n_Spidey
<He ambles up behind Lita and EM, who are blissfully square-dancing the day away. His front door opens, and he sort of scoops them both up so that they are back in the front seat where they belong. The door closes.>
EM: Hey! I can't hear the music anymore!
Lita: Which means we can stop dancing for a minute, and get back into the race. Thanks Spidey!
Spidey: Vroom vroom!
EM: Hey! I found our clothes!
Lita: Great! I'll put Spidey on autopilot while we get dressed.
EM: Isn't he already on autopilot?
Lita: Shush up and give me my clothes. I'm worried about this cardigan Rimmer gave me, I think it might have deadly bee juice on it.
<As Spidey gets back into the race, Lita tosses the cardigan and the oily rag out the window. They fall into the Misunderstood Sex-Machine's front window.>
Zoom zoom zoom!
Lita
#280
<Red Fraggle pulls up to AngelWulfie.>
Date: 09/01/2001
From: RedFraggle
<Red Fraggle has the same vehicle as last time, the big wheel that the boy in Merlin's Shop of Mystical Wonders rode. She sticks her tongue out at the jiggling dancer and kicks her in the shins before peddling off in a blur of red motion.>
#281
Mickey: What the #*&!???
Date: 09/01/2001
From: ArmoredMickey
I can't see a thing! (sniffs). I can still smell Ortega, though.
(Stops the Big Misunderstood Sex Machine aka the armored car from the beginning of Diabolik and climbs onto the hood)
Officer Ortega: Errrnnnn! Errrnnnn! (waves)
Mickey: Hello down there!!! (takes a pair of tongs and carefully removes the rag and cardigan. They fall on Ortega)
Mickey: Oops.
(to be continued)
#282
KILLER TOMATOES!?!?
Date: 09/01/2001
From: B_O_G_Laserblast_Van
Why you little.....
{B_O_G opens the rear door to his van & sends ROVER, the killer weather balloon from "The Prisoner", after Mickey & Ortega}
#283
BLAH to all of you! Even you "Blah_no_Te
Date: 09/01/2001
From: RimseysDeadlyBeeCar
xt".
<Rimmi's bee machine begins driving wildly and crashes into a tree.>
DAMN! <shakes fist at Yalu and her flaky boy band> You think your music can stop me? My ass can stop traffic. It did in the last race so why not now?
<As Mrs. H starts to repair the Deadly Bee Car Rimmi stands in the middle of the road, right on the double line. She starts sensuously shaking her behind. Rimmi prances around like Brittany Spears and Christia Aguilera combined with a touch of J-Lo and hint of Madonna and maybe a little Gwen Stephani.>
And if my ass doesn't stop you I'll blah each and everyone of you into blubbery submission.
#284
Evil Mike: Hey! Ass!
Date: 09/01/2001
From: Lita_n_Spidey
Lita: What did you just call me?
EM: No! Over there! Ass!
Lita: Oh, that's just Rimmer being an exhibitionist again. I thought I told you to stop looking at her ass.
EM: Whatever. I can't talk to you right now. I'm too busy looking at Ass.
Lita: Hey! Mike! Let go of the controls.
<Evil Mike wrestles Lita to control Spidey. Somewhat lurchily, Spidey crawls over to Rimmer, and then stuffs her into his behind. Rimmer, is somewhat surprised to find herself in Spidey's back seat. Lita smacks Evil Mike, and glares at Rimmer, but Evil Mike, for the moment is in his own little world.>
EM: So. Ass. What brings you here?
Lita: Mike! Stop grinning like an idiot! We've got stuff to do! Let's drop Ass-- er... I mean let's drop Rimmer off, and go!
EM: So. Ass. Come here often?
Lita: BLAH!
#285
Ass? Oh, you mean my title.
Date: 09/01/2001
From: RimseysDeadlyBeeCar
I am Empress Rimmi of the Asslantus. You may just call me Rimmi, not ass- AND WHAT THE HELL AM I DOING INSIDE YOUR SPIDER? <Looks at Evil Mike> At least you're wearing clothes now. <grins> Let's make out in front Lita. You don't really like her anyway, do you? My ass can make you happy! My ass is yours if you want it Mikey Wikey.
<Rimmi takes the first step and pulls Mike in for a full tongue contact kiss!>
#286
Now's my chance to get into the lead!
Date: 09/01/2001
From: B_O_G_Laserblast_Van
EAT MY DUST!!!!!!
VVVVVVVVRRRRRRRROOOOOOOOMMMMMMMM!!!!!!!
#287
Not so fast BOG!
Date: 09/01/2001
From: RedFraggle
<RedFraggle peddles quickly up beside BOG and tosses an Evil Monkey Toy inside. Before BOG knows what's happened he hears a little metalic *ting*. Just then the ground opens just in front of BOG and a few other racers.>
Have a nice trip! See you next fall!
#288
Hey!
Date: 09/01/2001
From: Lita_n_Spidey
Find your own hunky sidekick, you hussy! I heard Ortega is single.
<Lita pulls Rimmer off Evil Mike>
EM: Hey! Ass!
Lita: I'm taking back control of this little situation.
<Lita opens up a side door and kicks Rimmer out on her... er... ass. She rolls out in front of a speeding Angel's Van>
Rimmer: Ayeeee!
EM: Ass?
Lita: Oh, shut-up. She said Blah at you, remember? You're in big trouble, Mister!
EM: But Ass was the one who kissed me!
Lita: She wouldn't even have been in here if it weren't for you!
<Spidey takes off. Lita sees to it that Spidey puts Rimmer's car up in a tree. Then they finally get going again, quickly gaining on BOG's van.>
Zip zip zip!
#289
Cripes, Lita is catching up to us!
Date: 09/01/2001
From: B_O_G_Laserblast_Van
{B_O_G is ready to floor it when all of a sudden the ground in front of him opens up and the van plunges into it!}
#290
Mickey: It is....balloon?
Date: 09/01/2001
From: ArmoredMickey
(takes a fork and pops it a la Homer Simpson)
Mickey: Look out Ortega!!!
Officer Ortega (Looks up): Errnn(splat!)
Mickey: Oh no, Ortega! Just when we were starting to really get to know each other in not that kind of way. Just when I was...Hey waitaminnit, this is a good thing. No more Full House reruns for...
(Ortega gets up)...nnnn?!
Mickey: Damn it!
(to be continued)
#291
Lita treed me and Mrs. H. BLAH!
Date: 09/01/2001
From: RimseysDeadlyBeeCar
Well, you failed miserably. <Mrs. H takes out an axe and chops down the tree making it fall over the big gap in the road> HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! I ahead now all you SUCKERS!!!!
#292
Where'd this tree come from?
Date: 09/01/2001
From: B_O_G_Laserblast_Van
Come on Bobo. Help me push the van out of the hole!
#293
Watch out Rimmi!
Date: 09/01/2001
From: Gramps_Prune_Buggy
<gramps throws pack of candy cigarettes at Ms. Hargrove; she lights it and Rimmi and herself are blown sky high up Spidey's butt once again>
Now what should I do for Mickey...<gramps waves his magical walker and transports Lita from inside of Spidey to Ortega's lap> Have fun, Ortega!
<gramps speeds up to wolfie> Hey wolfie, take some of this! <throws prunes to the remaining elderly> I hope you have some sort of bedpan, because we elderly can squirt twenty feet in one groan!
Now on to B_O_G!
grandmapa!
7:00 P.M. CST!
#294
Gramps, are you lacking oxygen?
Date: 09/01/2001
From: RimseysDeadlyBeeCar
You silly old geezer. I'm no where near Spidey or his butt and Mrs. Hargrove is happily chain smoking the cigs you gave her. You need to get quintifocals or something. I think you still have the bad cigs. And I wouldn't keep them near you oxygen tank like that. Something horrible could happen.
<Mrs. H tosses a cig at Gramps and it lands in his lap. A nasty crotch fire suddenly blazes up and engulfs him, Watch out for that tank!>
#295
{{Jumps into the van}}
Date: 09/01/2001
From: B_O_G_Laserblast_Van
Alright, I'm back in the race!
#296
I will take advantage of Evil Mike now
Date: 09/01/2001
From: RimseysDeadlyBeeCar
that he's all alone.
<Rimmi drives up to spidey and lures Mike out.>
Jump in sweetie. Lita's off doing the nasty with Ortega. I'll take care of you!
<And Mike gives in immediately and hops in!>
#297
Rimmi and Evil Mike make out!!!111!!!n/t
Date: 09/01/2001
From: RimseysDeadlyBeeCar
b
#298
Rimmi and EM make out more!11!1 nt
Date: 09/01/2001
From: RimseysDeadlyBeeCar
v
#299
Rimmi and EM make out again!11!1 nt
Date: 09/01/2001
From: RimseysDeadlyBeeCar
v
#300
and EM take a breath..... nt
Date: 09/01/2001
From: RimseysDeadlyBeeCar
v
Part 2 of the WR2
Previous 50 replies
Back to main page